[ NOTE: This is a piece that I wrote for the 2011 April Fool's edition of our islands local fish-wrap. I didn't submit it in time and therefore it was not published. So, I pretty much wasted alot of time and effort putting this piece together. Until I got this crazy idea to give this whole blog thing a try. So, here it is. Read on and Thank You for your support!]
-Last week, the U.S. Coast Guard and local authorities were put on high alert as a single manned ship was discovered suspiciously anchoring off the Edwin S. Taylor fishing Pier. The chief officer of the naval vessel, who would identified himself only as Capt. H.M. Crunch, made communication efforts by Folly Beach Mayor Tim Goodwin, virtually impossible as the mayor, via bull-horn from atop a jet ski paddled by Councilman Eddie Ellis, was consistently being cut off in mid-sentence with threats of burying the small surfing community with a ferocious non-stop volley of crunch-berries. “What are your demands?” The mayor finally managed to convey. “Your children’s teeth, your middle-aged men’s reluctance to eat like adults and a calzone from Woody’s. Extra marinara sauce!” …the short mariner bellowed in retort. The mayor conceded the calzone and girths of the islands males in the 35-50 age group but warned the sailor that his request for the teeth of Folly’s children would have to go through their mothers and warned the animated Captain about the possible consequence’s of pursuing such an endeavor wishing the naval officer “…good luck with that one..”, noting… “..you’re gonna need it!” Meanwhile, surfers and dread-heads, after a long day of wave-riding began showing up with bowls and eating utensils in case the good captain was true to his word about the firing of crunch-berries.
Public Safety reported seeing absolutely no car plates from the state of Ohio for the entire day last Wednesday. “It was the damnest thing.” reported one of Folly’s finest who asked not to be identified because Officer Jimmy Coushe doesn’t want anyone thinking he’s got anything against people from Ohio (because he does not!). “Even during the heart of the recession and winter months you could count on at least half the cars on Center Street being from Ohio, but after a full 24 hours of patrolling the entire island, we found no plates from the buck-eye state.” He said. Store manager, Heidy Rucker of Folly Trading Company, also took note of the spooky phenomenon. “It was eerie. Every morning I’ll go on the floor and chat with some of our out of town customers and nearly three fourths of them are from that damn state! Wait a minute...” she paused, “... I’m from that damn state!” The islands churches and bars began to fill as word of this peculiar occurrence began a wide spread panic throughout the island. “It’s a sign!” screamed local walk-about “Walking Joel” who then turned and, for the first time ever witnessed, broke into a frantic sprint. Fears quickly subsided however as a caravan of tour buses from Sandusky, Ohio made their way down Center Street about high noon the following day. It was business as usual and relief was felt by all.
“There is a god and his name is Puxatawney Phil!” exclaimed retail store owner Eli Rom from behind his cash register at Folly’s Beachwear and Gifts. The pre-mature six-weeks of spring forecasted by the worlds most popular, if not only, weather prophesying groundhog back on February 2nd, has been a business manager’s dream. “Because of the huge financial windfall we’re experiencing, I’m buying myself a Mercedes next week. A convertible!” announced the upbeat bald-headed owner . Thanks to the famous animal not seeing his shadow, businesses all along and off of Center Street are getting a tremendous and unexpected boost. “Stimulus package?? Who needs a stimulus package when you’ve got a rodent with bad eye-sight!” proclaimed Paul, long time resident and owner of Folly’s iconic Mr. John’s Beach Store. Meanwhile, back in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, the world’s most famous weather calling varmint, resides warmly underground catching up on some precious slumber after being rudely awoken for his annual weather gambit. The habitants above ground, however, are freezing their butts off cursing the over-sized rat, his inability to ever get it right and the fact that without him, Punxsutawney wouldn’t have a tourist dollar to stand on unlike other successful tourist communities who don’t have to rely on whether or not a ground dwelling animal sees his freaking shadow to sustain their communities existence.
And finally, contrary to popular belief, part-time Folly Beach retail employee and Guinness Extra Stout abuser, Joel Flores is not Hawaiian. That’s right people. NOT Hawaiian. Not Samoan. Not even a well-fed Filipino. “I have absolutely no idea where these rumors get started. It’s crazy.” He replied in his best Christopher Walken impersonation. When asked what exactly his ethnicity was, Mr. Flores replied “I’m basically your every day, average Hispanic Hippie which means, yes! I will steal your hub-caps but then, turn around and have them recycled.” Mr. Flores also went on to explain that just one hub-cap from any of the many luxury cars driven in and out of our island can bring in as many as three possibly four cases of Guinness Extra Stout. “..and don’t even get me started on how many cases of PBR I can cash in on!” Mr. Flores also wanted to set the record straight on the scuttlebutt going around town that he was, in fact, the islands original Taco Boy. “Okay. Now that’s just getting personal! It’s no where near being true. I can’t even eat Mexican food. Too spicy. That’s why I eat at Taco Bell.” When asked where these false rumors could be stemming from, Mr. Flores replied, “Probably the Surf Bar. I still have an unpaid bar tab there from 2008.” Attempts to retrieve comment from the Surf Bar were both unsuccessful and very poorly pursued.
Dr. Joel Cortez-Consuelo-Rodriguez-Smith-And-Wesson-you-wouldn’t-happen-to-have-an-aspirin-would-you-Flores Jr, III is a Pulitzer Prize winning columnist for the The Wall Street Journal, Jack and Jill magazine and half the stuff you read on Bert’s bathroom wall.
Any comments, remarks or questions for Dr. Flores’ can be directed to:
bitemyhappysamoanbutt@alosersayswhat?.com
No comments:
Post a Comment